This a message from someone who has much to share and relevant to so many survivors of domestic violence. It is graphic and it is her story: Thanks Cornelia.
The 10 plus years that I was physically and mentally abused by my dad . . . I had to go through alone.
The point that I got pregnant by my dad . . . I had to go through it alone.
The uncountable suicide attempts that I have tried . . . I went through alone.
The two police officers that raped me repeatedly . . . I had to go through that alone.
Being in a mental hospital and being raped by the night janitors . . . I had to go through alone.
Being dragged down the street, while holding your baby in your arms, screaming, crying yelling for help and the people just walked by, I lived in a world where I thought there was no God, and love was hate.
Even when me and my EX went to the church for guidance to put our lives in order, we asked the the pastor of the church to married us. We were told we had to come before the church and the congregation and repent for living together. We were also told the me or my ex had to move out of our home and bring a bill with our names on it but two different addresses before he could married us.
It seems like every time I try to turn to God, I was turned away. My life got more and more to the point where I believed there is no God, and if there was a God I didn't want to know him. And I gave up on him the way I thought he gave up on me. That was my life was for 40 years plus. I believed God either didn't exist, or God didn't love me, and I just have to continue living my life alone, or I can make this last suicide attempt work, and that is what I was going to do.
And in September 2008, the day I was going to put an end to everything, I dropped to my knees in the restroom crying my heart out for God to end my life. I just couldn't live that way anymore. I didn't care who walked in the restroom, I didn't care who saw me, I just didn't care, all I knew was I'm done.
I left the restroom, go into the meeting, sit down, can't stop crying, and I hear a voice say can I get you something to drink? are you ok?
At that moment I felt a peace that I could not even describe that came over me from head to toe, I looked up and the person that was standing there had to come into focus and it was Papa. He put me first and above everything and everyone but God. He stopped working to be by my side for two years because I was so afraid of being alone. He didn't have to but he and I went through 4 years of therapy, and he was there he didn't have to but he did. We will be going on 11 years, 9 of those years as husband and wife.
People say I always have a positive outlook on everything. They say how can I be so nice to people that are rude and mean to me? It took two people to show me how true life is supposed to be and that is Jesus, because you can't get anything from God without going through Jesus first.
Jesus is the name I called on when I was on my knees, Jesus is the one that gave me this new life, and Jesus is the one that put Papa into my life and Papa showed me that love isn't supposed to hurt. Papa show me by example how to receive and give healthy love.
I can walk around with my head held high not being ashamed of who I am or where I come from. My past is the reason I have such a positive outlook on things. Being with papa has not only changed my whole look on life, but it also has changed how I live my life.
Every reason I gave myself to why I would never find someone. God showed me I was wrong.
So if you think you will never find someone because you're too big, if you think you will never find someone because you have kids by someone else, if you think you'll never find someone because of your mental status, God will send you the perfect person for you, so whatever you are going through right now, whatever you have been through in the past, put it in God's hand and let him deal with it.
Just let go and let God! And believe me it's a lot harder than what it sounds like, but it can be done. Remember when people come at you negative in any form or fashion they're going through something, you have heard people say it was the last straw that broke the camel's back. So your negativity for someone else can be the last thing that it took for them to commit suicide, or your positive reaction towards people with a smile can you give somebody hope to go through one more day.
Because of the kindness you showed them you might be the only person that was kind to that person today. We all have been there before. The way my life used to be I put down so many people, found so many things wrong with someone else, just to make my life feel better. I didn't realize that was the reason I was doing it at the time until my eyes were opened.
So it may be hard to do but please remember your words can save a life, just as much as your words can take one. It's all up to you are you going to be the straw that brakes a back? or a person that makes another person say there is hope?
We must remember when we feel our lives are falling apart, in God's eyes it's falling in place.
Let your past bring out the better you, instead of the bitter you, and the only way you can do that is putting your life into God's hands.
Giving God all the glory! Cornelia